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Protected: Day 3 – Affirmation Tools

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It’s ok to coexist. Sometimes we think we don’t but something like a pregnancy announcement or commercial or old photo will remind us, and BOOM. It will bring us back to the truth, that we do live with pain and joy. And it’s 100% ok. Even more so, it’s normal and healthy. If we can admit that, we won’t be so caught off guard at the jealousy and tough emotions that arise sometimes. What seems to be ‘out of the blue’, in reality is not out the blue, but always there just under the surface. Why? Because it’s a part of you. For as long as you loved, you will grieve. A part of your heart will always be there. And you know what...It’s ok to let that come out when it needs to. The jealousy/frustration is really your heart reminding you of what you went through, what you might have lost and how hard you fought. It’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes when the vast contrast of someone else’s experience reflects the opposite. But, It’s ok to be reminded. Let them coexist with grace and dignity. Let it come and let it go... 💕

That feeling you have sometimes. The one that feels a bit detached, like you are just going through the motions. Where tired, meets sad, meets frustration. It's tiring and it's lonely. After a failed IVF/IUI cycle you are completely depleted in every way, yet are often launched right back into things. Life. Work. Friends. Family. Everything that still needs to go around you, goes on. It’s not that you are 'taking longer' to heal or move on... It’s that you didn't even have time to process everything, then those hard emotions, they got buried. What might appear like a really really long time to feel upset and grieving, is actually not at all. If you’ve gone through failed cycles and 3, 6 even 10 months later feel like something is still off but don’t know what it is. Ask yourself if you truly had your feelings validated. Were they honoured the way they should have been? Was the courage it took acknowledged as it should have been? Did you say out loud that you lost your baby. Did someone say how sorry they were for that loss? Hidden pain delays processing and allows painful emotions to linger. There’s no such thing as getting over trauma and loss, we can only name the pain and honour it. When we can do both and they are truly reflected back to us, we will start to feel seen and start to feel more at peace, even inside the really hard painful stuff. Let's utter the words together that needed to be said but weren't... I'm sorry you lost your baby. Don’t you ever feel embarrassed for needing that validation. 💕

Infertility is having a full-time career while also managing a full time second job. It is around the clock with no breaks. With a schedule set by other people who demand things on certain days, down to literally the exact minute. It also includes hours of paperwork, phone calls, research, travel and early am appointments. Procedures and drug cocktails added in that can leave you feeling like a totally different person. Emotionally it will be daily extreme highs and lows. Then there's the spur of the moment tests, ultrasounds, injections and more blood needing to be drawn. All which can leave you feeling sore and achy, bruised, prodded, exposed and totally exhausted. Finally, there's the waiting. Then even more waiting. Waiting for things you have no control over but must be prepared for at the drop of a hat, no matter how much you plan or try to control. Who can relate? What would you add? 💕

When it comes to pain and loss there is no harder only hard. We can't compare our struggles and how we process them differently. At some point, everyone goes through the hardest thing they've ever had to deal with. That might be where someone is at right now, today in this moment, even if it seems like a lot less than us. 💕

Society is given a lot of misinformation about infertility in general. Before we suggest the latest ‘trends’ to couples, should we not at least take the time to know their unique, personal situations. Not everyone can afford 5 rounds of IVF/IUI. (Or even one!) Not everyone wants or can use a surrogate. No two bodies are the same. So please, before you suggest something know the people you are suggesting it to. If you don't know them that well, you shouldn't be discussing their bodies.

If you have never gone through the struggle of trying to start a family and/or experienced loss, you don’t know the bottomless depths of what infertility can feel like. Please stop making suggestions or adding silver linings to soften what we are enduring. If you’ve had the luxury of having children and planning your pregnancy, getting pregnant and carrying your child, you don’t get to have an opinion about our choices. PERIOD. To have an opinion about our choices to have a child, makes it seem like you honestly underestimate the yearning and need to have your own biological child? To experience the smallest of pleasures of planning that pregnancy, the excitement and wonder of carrying the child inside you. How can you really just toss aside the value of that whole entire experience? If you didn’t, you wouldn’t dismiss why we fight month after month and spend 10’s of thousands of dollars for just one more chance at that experience. Why we don’t ‘just adopt’ or use other means that doesn’t involve our own bodies first. How can you dismiss that, like it’s something we can just overcome and happily go onto Plan B, like it’s no big deal. We might get to our Plan B, but right now we are not there and we need you to see the value of our sacrifice. If you are in our life the only role we need from you is support and understanding. Pep talks, judgment and sugar-coating our situation have no place in this circle. Helping us means no suggestions, no have you tried, are you sure’s, or pity about our reality and the choices we are choosing to make right now. We need to only be reminded that our choices are valued and how proud you are of us for being courageous enough to continue to fight and work towards them. Don’t ever make us doubt our reason WHY. That’s like us asking you to doubt your child. To even for a second guess their importance and value to your life. So, if you are here in the long run to support us through this season, please by all means check in, give us a hug and include us in all the plans. We might be here for a while and to be forgotten is just another heart-break from those we care about... Read the complete piece: >> link in profile <<

Just when you think you know what your body is telling you, it can turn out to be the exact opposite. Which leaves you thinking you don't know your body at all. That you are even imagining symptoms, which leaves you feeling disconnected from yourself. Just when you start to feel hopeful, you are knocked down by disappointment of a failed cycle. Which leaves you feeling like 'why bother'. Why allow myself to go all in emotionally if I'm only going to be hurt again and again. Just when you think you are feeling more secure and stable you are floored with uncontrollable feelings of resentment and jealousy. Which leaves you feeling lost, overly emotional and alone. So, if someone asks what infertility feels like month after month it's THIS. It's soldiering on despite all those feelings. It's the mental game of telling yourself the self detriment is not true. Reminding yourself that you DO know your body, you do trust your symptoms, that it is ok to go all in and stay positive and hopeful, and that feeling angry and jealous doesn't make you a bad person. It's here where you get lost and it's here where you can be find your truth again. Promise me you will remind yourself that pregnancy symptoms and other hormone induced symptom are almost exactly the same! That's why it's so tricky and hard. It's not that you don't know your own body because you DO. You know it better than anyone else. Reminding yourself that committing to the next round with an open heart is terrifying but that your one day baby deserves a start like that. Filled with positive emotions and only loving warm thoughts. That each month can be a new start, despite the disappointments before. That carrying over the pain is not helpful emotionally to your own being. Reminding yourself that healing is always two steps forward and one step back. That you are only human. (And an exceptional one!!) That some days we feel on top of everything and some days we are just surviving. Triggers can creep in, even on our best of days. It doesn't mean you are not ok or doing enough. Remind yourself you had a 90% strong, centered and amazing day. Let the other 10% go. 💞

𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝓉𝓇𝓊𝑒 𝓈𝓉𝑜𝓇𝓎 𝒾𝓈 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝒻𝑜𝓊𝓃𝒹 𝒾𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓈𝒾𝓁𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝓁𝒾𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓈𝑜𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓉𝓎 𝓁𝒾𝓀𝑒𝓈 𝓉𝑜 𝓅𝓊𝓉 𝑜𝓃 𝓉𝓇𝒶𝑔𝑒𝒹𝓎, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒾𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓈𝓊𝓇𝓋𝒾𝓋𝒶𝓁 𝒾𝓉𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻, 𝒯𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝒾𝓈 𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓇𝒶𝑔𝑒 𝓁𝒾𝓋𝑒𝓈. 𝐼𝓉’𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝑔𝑒𝓉𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝑜𝒻 𝒷𝑒𝒹 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓅𝓊𝓉𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝑜𝓉 𝒾𝓃 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇. 𝐼𝓉'𝓈 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶 𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓌𝑒𝓇 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒽𝑜𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝑜𝒻 𝒾𝓉 𝒾𝓈 𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓇𝒾𝒻𝓎𝒾𝓃𝑔. 𝐼𝓉'𝓈 𝓉𝒶𝓁𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝑜 𝒶 𝒻𝓇𝒾𝑒𝓃𝒹 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶 𝒻𝑒𝓌 𝑒𝓂𝒶𝒾𝓁𝓈. 𝐼𝓉’𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝒷𝑒𝓉𝓌𝑒𝑒𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓅𝒶𝒾𝓃 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓂𝒾𝓁𝓁𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝓈𝓂𝒶𝓁𝓁 𝑒𝓍𝒸𝓇𝓊𝒸𝒾𝒶𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓅𝓈 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝑒𝒶𝒸𝒽 𝒹𝒶𝓎. 𝐿𝑒𝓉'𝓈 𝒶𝓅𝓅𝓁𝒶𝓊𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈𝑒 𝒹𝒶𝒾𝓁𝓎 𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓅𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝓂𝑜𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒻𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝑜 𝓁𝒾𝓋𝑒 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝓈 𝓁𝒾𝓀𝑒. 𝒥𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝒶 𝒸𝒽𝑜𝒾𝒸𝑒 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓈𝓊𝓇𝓋𝒾𝓋𝑒, 𝒹𝑜𝑒𝓈𝓃'𝓉 𝒹𝒾𝓂𝒾𝓃𝒾𝓈𝒽 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒻𝒶𝒸𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒶𝓇𝑒...🌼

There needs to be more grace given to those fighting through the pain of infertility. No matter what you are grieving or for how long you have already been grieving. The truth is when you are in the thick of it and just trying to survive, you can't see the struggle of everyone around you and you should never feel guilty about that. Nor should you be expected to. There needs to be more grace, empathy and understanding given to those going through infertility to not feel like they have to carry extra weight. What a gift it would be to give someone the reassurance that they don't have to. That you could just lean on someone completely without limits, deadlines or expectations. That it's ok for someone to be in pain and fight through that without thinking they are also failing at that. How did we get to be a culture where we feel like we can actually fail at grief and the process it takes. So if you are reading this right now and in the thick of your struggle, please know it's ok to just take care of yourself and be where you need to be. That there is no guilt for having to be where you are. There is no failure in grief. 💕

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