I want to share with you my personal story of the ‘Stork On The Way’ pin. This pin holds such sentimental value to me. It was given to me after my second trimester loss. For anyone who has experienced a loss, you never forget the exact moment you find out your baby is gone.
I am 1 in 4 and my rock bottom is not a particularly unique one, but it is mine and mine alone. It shaped me, changed my journey and brought me to you today. It inspired me to start Miss.Conception Coach. It was in my rock bottom moment that I vowed no woman should feel alone and lost, while enduring such pain.
We were at the ultrasound clinic for ‘fun’ having a look at the baby. (In Canada you only get a couple u/s via your Dr for dating the pregnancy and then for testing / measuring, but it’s not standard to have them often.) So we scheduled this one for fun and were so excited to see the baby again. I remember being relaxed because we were in our second tri – honeymoon safe zone stage and my morning sickness was gone, I had more energy etc. We had told everyone and had just recently gone away. We were on cloud 9!
A few min into the u/s I saw the techs face. He wasn’t smiling and quickly became quiet. He wiped off the wand and stood up. In that exact second I knew in my gut something was very wrong. He just said it a quiet voice ‘you should check in with your Dr. The moments, days, weeks that followed moved in light speed, yet in slow motion like I was out of my body. Friends called, came to visit and sent cards. A few weeks later one friend, who had also experienced a recent loss, sent me the pin. It meant so much to me and gave me such comfort. Someone had given the pin to my friend when she was pregnant with baby.
Our son is our rainbow, and is now almost 8. He was a high risk pregnancy and I was sent to a specialist for the entire pregnancy. Bi monthly ultrasounds, amniocentesis, the whole works. High maintenance from the start. 😉 Then a last minute C-section due to being transverse. We suffered secondary infertility after him and every pregnancy was a similar loss. We finally decided to end our journey in 2015. My Dh said he just couldn’t see me go through that again and I was physically and emotionally done, even if I didn’t want to admit it. My own journey has come full circle, but I do know what it’s like to sit in the waiting room of the RE’s office and look around and wonder ‘what their story is’. To be scared of test results. Waiting for weeks on pins and needles. When 10 viles of blood seems normal after awhile. The dreaded statistics. To be given no answers, to feel like time is being wasted month after month… which turn into years. To make tough decisions. To run out of choices. To feel defeated and crushed. To get your hopes up and then feel like a fool for doing so. For cursing your body for not working properly. Waiting, watching, hoping for – signs, then googling signs. Then starting all over again.