This journey has taken me to places I never imagined. But the greatest part is learning that I am a warrior.
No matter what life you choose to live, if you want to make it and become something, you become a warrior. Different warriors do different things, but we all fight. Most of us have altered the idea of what we thought our life was going to be like. This messed me up A LOT… it still does, but the warrior inside is getting stronger. Becoming more aware that not having it all planned out brings you more joy than ever imagined.
I used to despise the notion that my life hasn’t turned out the way i thought it would be. I loved the idea that everything was already in place and everything comes when the time is right. Although I still feel strongly about the the latter, this came with a fight. I liked to sit with the idea that the map was already out there and my path was made. As I grow and become more mindful I am seeing we must forge our own path.
I had the “idea” that when I got married I would simply create a family. Now I am experiencing that I must fight for this family. Fight my emotions, fight my fears, fight my budget and most of all fight the ideal life I had created for myself inside my head. I must redefine what it means to make a family.
A tremendous part of how I am where I am at is because of the people I surround myself with. These are the people who help us create who we are. As I sit and write this I see my crystal bracelet a friend got me when we decided to do IVF. I am wearing earrings with the viking symbol for fertility another dear friend recently got me on a trip. My faith space is covered with letters and images from my tribe of women encouraging and showing up . Without the support of others I would not feel as strong.
The support of women, in particular, has shifted my entire life. There is definitely a movement happening where women empowering other women is being encouraged. I hate to admit it, but I grew up feeling like only a few women are in your circle and the rest are competition. In the past few years I have actively worked on this and it has honestly been easier than I had imagined. There are still things that I am working on, but overall it has been a achievable mindshift.
I see any woman now and I ask myself, “I wonder how she is being a warrior today?” Strangers on the street, mothers at my work, coworkers in my school, and especially to those in the fertility clinic beside me. I smile at each one and silently send love.
We must encourage each other, no matter what. I have taken part in multiple women’s circles and left feeling stronger. Sharing our stories connects us in ways I never imagined.
After the first year of trying I had started to close people off. I told only the few who I could trust not to tell all. It became this heavy weight. Once I found my first women’s group I opened up to people I had never met before. I shared true emotions that I had never told anyone and they told me I was OK. They helped me believe that I was enough, baby or not. I still hold onto words spoken in this sacred place.
Knowing I am not alone has made all the difference. It is easy for people to say things to make you feel better, but it is all about the actions. Showing up… even when you don’t want to. Being a warrior in others lives is now something I look for. I am becoming passionate about encouraging others to thrive in any way they need. Just saying, “Let me know how I can help.” is not enough! Although I am only speaking for myself I am guessing others feel similar. Just actually show up.
I think about being younger and being fed negative ideas about how to react to others, especially women. I am not saddened about the ideas I fed off of as a youth. Without those I may not be in the mind frame I am today. But, I would like to challenge those beliefs. I am practicing seeing other women as the true warriors they are… even the ones announcing their pregnancy, or those giving me advice to “just relax.” This takes time and is not coming with ease, but some of the greatest things in life take work.
Recall a warrior in your own life. Someone who sees you for the glorious mess that you are and still wants to be around you. Thank them for their support. Pass on their support to others. Show up.
Thank you to the people who continue to ask about my journey. You are acknowledging that I am living authentically and that it can be messy. Thank you for encouraging me as I get another blood test and eagerly ask about the results. It may sound mundane, but it means the world.