Infertility can feel like you are fighting constant daily battles. Sometimes these battles are easily won and sometimes they leave you feeling totally defeated. You can feel ike you are fighting against your own body, physically, and most of the time your own mind, trying to maintain who you are. Persistent loses can leave you feeling (irrationally) angry with those around you. It can take everyday interaction with people and turn them into huge triggers. Waiting in line at a store, hanging out with a friend, a Facebok post, a commercial, a coworker. Small daily things get amplified and suddenly the person complaining they are tired becomes incredibly annoying, when a friend posts about her naughty toddler, a pregnant co worker proclaims she is so done with her pregnancy belly, a next door neighbour yells at her toddler, a story on the news about harm to a neworn baby, a good friend gets knocked up by mistake (again). Sure it’s not rational because each story is their own, and deserves to be heard, but neither is fighting Infertility every.single.dam.day.of.your.life. Trying to hold on to who you are, when not obsessing about trying to get pregnant, is one of the hardest battles you will ever fight. Sometimes you wonder who you would be without this fight. Would you be the girl who smiles more? One ready for adventure at any moment? Making plans on a whim? Would you be connecting with those around me better? Closer? Not having to keep so much of your world and parts of you private. Would you feel more included? Would you have gone on that trip? Bought that car? House? Would you have a different life??? Yes, perhaps. And, as much as you want to be free of this fight with Infertility, you can no longer spend your time endlessly thinking about what if’s and living within spirals of bitterness.
Allow yourself time to grieve for the life you didn’t get to have…and then you move on. Baby steps and slowly. The time has come to get to know the new you. It means you finally allowing yourself to be free of the spiral. You will never stop fighting Infertility, but you cannot keep existing in the in-between — this place where you are convinced that you are just not doing enough to get that BFP. You can’t live in the past anymore either, wondering about all the what if’s. Exist in the present, where you know that Infertility is a battle you have to fight, but where you also know you’ve done, and are doing everything in your power you can to fight through it. Exist in a present where you are supported with love around you. Where you can share your story and feel at home. Exist in the present where you know you have no control after a certain point. Exist in the present where you can change your perspective on how you are feeling, and know you have power over what you feel. Exist in the present where you are open to new possibilities, new ideas and new hope.
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