This Is The Infertility You Don’t See While I’m Relaxing
Hiding behind my smile because there are days I just want to scream but I know added stress will hurt me in the long run.
Looking at my husband thinking how disappointed I am when we receive negative results from the doctor because I am responsible for our infertility. I wonder how it can be so easy for other normal couples when the statistics show 15-20% chance of conception occur in NORMAL COUPLES through natural fertility.
Constantly worried about money and debt and how to pay for the next treatment/cycle, etc. Spending thousands of dollars and still no baby.
No longer wearing foundation, “donating” plasma for money, pineapples smoothies, acupuncture.
Avoiding Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. We generally send our parents a card and stay away from everyone that day.
Needing alone time. It’s hard to make babies when family or friends want to stay with you constantly.
Constantly focused on my weight and my diet and thinking about the next strategy to get my body and mind in shape for another cycle
Sometimes bursting into tears seeing someone interacting with their kids or babies on FB and feeling like I’ve missed my shot at having that.
Calling in sick to work because I’m waiting for pregnancy test results or recovering from crying non-stop over a failed cycle.
Sad for every birthday that goes by because I keep thinking I’m now too old to have a baby.
Dreading Christmas without the magic of my own child to share it with. Having an ornament that honors our lost babies instead of celebrating baby’s first christmas.
Knowing that I still have maternity pants in my closet, but still use them when I’m super bloated from a transfer cycle and hormone injections.
Wondering what it must be like to try to have a baby the “natural way” (I’ve never experienced this)
Being afraid to hold a friend’s baby because I’m worried all I can see is the baby I lost.
Pretending it doesn’t break my heart every time I see a pregnant woman.
Trying to hide extreme anxiety if something triggers memories of my pregnancy losses
Wondering if I’ll ever buy an “elf on the shelf” or pretend to be the tooth fairy or put out cookies for Santa or hide easter eggs.
I can’t go into any section of a store where there are baby items, not even to buy a gift for a friend.
Hiding out sometimes for days at a time avoiding everyone.
Filtering my struggles and my story on my blog because my husband doesn’t want anyone to know about his issues with infertility.
Mother’s Day can send me into a horrible depression and crying spell.
My dog has outfits for Christmas, Halloween and Easter.
Acting like everything is ok even though you have just had ANOTHER miscarriage, chemical , or failed ivf cycle.
Hating myself for not being able to become pregnant.
Drowning myself in home projects, becoming so actively fit.
Getting upset at every single pregnancy announcement and going back through Facebook to people’s dates on wedding photos to see how quickly they got pregnant with no struggle.
Get angry at people for asking insensitive questions… then realise they can’t see my scars and have no idea about our struggle.
Watching my husband break down because he wants one soooo bad.
Felling guilty that even though we adopted I still feel broken. I feel guilty that I still want to give birth. I have never felt so much joy and pain in the same moment before.
That I take so many vitamins and supplements to help me try to regulate my body to perform just a little normal.
Finding myself with nothing to say when I am in big groups because my friends all have a billion babies and it’s always about being pregnant in one form or another.
Never wanting to be alone. Never alone means I can pretend all is okay.
Trying not to ignore, without looking rude, to the pregnant bellied teacher who always seems to be in the hallway when you are.
Always giving excuses for not attending baby showerS, wedding bells, kids birthday parties, friends/family gathering’s.
Can’t plan ahead for any holidays because of fertility treatment or you think you might get ‘pregnant’ that time.