This Is The Infertility You Don’t See While I’m Relaxing

elise & rupert

  • Hiding behind my smile because there are days I just want to scream but I know added stress will hurt me in the long run.
  • Looking at my husband thinking how disappointed I am when we receive negative results from the doctor because I am responsible for our infertility. I wonder how it can be so easy for other normal couples when the statistics show 15-20% chance of conception occur in NORMAL COUPLES through natural fertility.
  • Constantly worried about money and debt and how to pay for the next treatment/cycle, etc. Spending thousands of dollars and still no baby.
  • No longer wearing foundation, “donating” plasma for money, pineapples smoothies, acupuncture.
  • Avoiding Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. We generally send our parents a card and stay away from everyone that day.
  • Needing alone time. It’s hard to make babies when family or friends want to stay with you constantly.
  • Constantly focused on my weight and my diet and thinking about the next strategy to get my body and mind in shape for another cycle
  • Sometimes bursting into tears seeing someone interacting with their kids or babies on FB and feeling like I’ve missed my shot at having that.
  • Calling in sick to work because I’m waiting for pregnancy test results or recovering from crying non-stop over a failed cycle.
  • Sad for every birthday that goes by because I keep thinking I’m now too old to have a baby.
  • Dreading Christmas without the magic of my own child to share it with. Having an ornament that honors our lost babies instead of celebrating baby’s first christmas.
  • Knowing that I still have maternity pants in my closet, but still use them when I’m super bloated from a transfer cycle and hormone injections.
  • Wondering what it must be like to try to have a baby the “natural way” (I’ve never experienced this)
  • Being afraid to hold a friend’s baby because I’m worried all I can see is the baby I lost.
  • Pretending it doesn’t break my heart every time I see a pregnant woman.
  • Trying to hide extreme anxiety if something triggers memories of my pregnancy losses
  • Wondering if I’ll ever buy an “elf on the shelf” or pretend to be the tooth fairy or put out cookies for Santa or hide easter eggs.
  • I can’t go into any section of a store where there are baby items, not even to buy a gift for a friend.
  • Hiding out sometimes for days at a time avoiding everyone.
  • Filtering my struggles and my story on my blog because my husband doesn’t want anyone to know about his issues with infertility.
  • Mother’s Day can send me into a horrible depression and crying spell.
  • My dog has outfits for Christmas, Halloween and Easter.
  • Acting like everything is ok even though you have just had ANOTHER miscarriage, chemical , or failed ivf cycle.
  • Hating myself for not being able to become pregnant.
  • Drowning myself in home projects, becoming so actively fit.
  • Getting upset at every single pregnancy announcement and going back through Facebook to people’s dates on wedding photos to see how quickly they got pregnant with no struggle.
  • Get angry at people for asking insensitive questions… then realise they can’t see my scars and have no idea about our struggle.
  • Watching my husband break down because he wants one soooo bad.
  • Felling guilty that even though we adopted I still feel broken. I feel guilty that I still want to give birth. I have never felt so much joy and pain in the same moment before.
  • That I take so many vitamins and supplements to help me try to regulate my body to perform just a little normal.
  • Finding myself with nothing to say when I am in big groups because my friends all have a billion babies and it’s always about being pregnant in one form or another.
  • Never wanting to be alone. Never alone means I can pretend all is okay.
  • Trying not to ignore, without looking rude, to the pregnant bellied teacher who always seems to be in the hallway when you are.
  • Always giving excuses for not attending baby showerS, wedding bells, kids birthday parties, friends/family gathering’s.
  •  Can’t plan ahead for any holidays because of fertility treatment or you think you might get ‘pregnant’ that time.

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p.s. Are you going through fertility treatments or will be soon? Looking to get more #fertilityfriendly? We made something just for you!