Today I Chose Me (and that’s ok)

 missed-connections-2I was so excited about finally getting the chance to go out for a girls night. It was something I needed, especially now. I longed for some one on one gab time with my closest. Plans were made, outfit picked and glass of wine in hand!
Then IT happened. IT, the text. The text that read:
“Hey ladies. Just wanted to let you know my friend Julie will be joining us tonight! Can’t wait to see you all. See ya there!’
And, in that split second, with my mouth hanging open, my stomach dropped. Dammit I cursed! Putting down the glass of wine, I sat on the edge of the bed and just stared at the phone, reading and re reading the text over again.
You see, Julie is the friend of a friend and Julie is 6 months pregnant. Julie is awesome, nothing wrong with her, but she is pregnant. Julie was going to be there all night with her pregnant belly and big ol’happy smile, and I’d be there with my fake smile and crappy mood.
Contemplating my choices of a. going and just drinking more b. staying home, because c. is hell, which is going and pretending I am ok. Pretending with a forced smile, while my heart breaks into a million pieces. As fun as that sounds, I think I’ll call it a day and choose b. stay home.
So today I choose me. Today I choose me over you.
I send a txt to my friend telling her the truth. She understands and apologizes profusely for not thinking about that, how inviting Julie would affect me. Its ok, no worries. I know the world doesn’t revolve around me, but awareness has been made and next time she will be aware, so progress made. I tell her not to mention it to anyone else tho, cause that would just get awkward and I don’t want this whole big thing being made about it, everyone feeling sorry for me, the poor Infertile gal.
So here we are, #thisiswhatinfertilitylookslike some days. Some days I can handle it, some days I can’t. Today I  had to choose me over you.
I strip off my ear rings, jeans, tank and bra. Ya this part sucks…I pour myself another glass of wine, cause why not, and slip into my yoga pants and sweatshirt. It’s not the night I thought I was going to have but protecting myself is ok. This is what makes the whole Infertility thing frustrating, but it’s also what makes nights like this the part where I learn and grow. A few months ago I would  have gone anyway, scared of letting people down, scared of disappointing, scared of what that would mean, admitting I couldn’t endure being with Julie… or worse pretending everything was ok and just winging it. That never ends well.
As I lay back onto my pillow stacked bed, comfy and at peace for tonight. In Infertility, where so much is up in the air and where choices feel limited, I’m proud of myself tonight. I’m proud that I took charge of my emotions and the situation.  I’m not a victim. I don’t have to feel powerless. Being aware of my triggers and taking action is part of the power I will carry with me.
Today I had to choose me over you and that’s ok. Now time for Grey’s.
This is a fictitious moment in time and not a specific personal experience. It is written to express the feelings of women battlening Infertiltiy and to help raise awareness around what they go through on a daily basis.

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