Unexplained infertility messes with your head + heart like nothing else can. You start to hope for some sort of medical diagnosis, just so you have something tangible to hold on to. Something to 'fix.' At least then, you would be working towards something. You start to wish you could just have one BFP/Beta, even in you miscarry, so you can 'at least' know you can get pregnant. Because how can nothing be wrong?!?! You start to think maybe your bodies are just rejecting each other. Like it's a sign from somewhere...like you are being punished. To the sister who is here, we see you. We validate that every month when AF comes or you seen just one pink line, that it's just as heartbreaking and gut punching. We validate how confusing and frustrating it must be to not have any answers. To feel extra lost trying to navigate this all alone and decide where to turn next. It's ok to feel broken and scared of what might not happen. ❤️
*** trigger warning - loss *** .
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10.15.18 ✨✨ We are honoring you who lost a piece of your heart with the words:
I'm sorry this was an unsuccessful cycle.
I'm sorry your numbers have dropped.
I'm sorry your test is negative.
I'm sorry there is no more heartbeat.
I'm sorry... In that single moment you were handed grief and had no choice but to take it. In that single moment your life changed. In that single moment your hopes, faith and dreams slipped through your fingers and slapped you in the face with a sting you have never felt before. With a broken heart you fought your way out of rock bottom. You climbed the highest wall you've ever climbed and out into a flicker of new light. You mended your heart just enough to allow new light in. With a broken heart, you still had enough courage to try again. With trembling hands you started again. You will never say you were strong, because the truth is you had no choice. The truth is most days you wanted to give up. Most days you felt anything but strong or hopeful. You were forever changed. Today we honor that you are still here fighting, even with a broken heart and shaking hands. Moving through, but not moving on. With grace and time you are slowly realizing the difference. ❤️ #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #waveoflight2018 #ivf #miscarriage #infertility @resolveorg
We have words for the loss of a pregnancy, such as miscarriage, blighted ovum, missed miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, stillborn...1,2,3rd trimester terms. Full of imposed technicalities which leaves it feeling clinical. These labels feel cold and detached. Loss is loss. Pain is pain. Grieving the death of a life that was growing inside of you, made from you, at any stage is…there are no words. None.
We don’t have a word for when someone goes through fertility treatment like IVF or IUI and it ‘fails’. The loss of that 'Emby Baby' is just as real and painful and devastating. The added stress of these treatment plans, injections, procedures and on top of that, the monetary pressure, is unfathomable. It's an added level of commitment most can't even comprehend. The love you have is instant, from the moment your Emby Baby is placed inside of you. But, how do you grieve when your baby stops growing? What do you do with the pain of your hopes and dreams slipping away? The pain of allowing yourself to be vulnerable again. The pain of promising yourself you wouldn’t get invested so early, but did, because how could you not? You sit in shock and defeat, ready to give up, not because you want to, but because you can’t fathom disappointment on this level – again. Can we as a society even start to understand what that must feel like? The truth is we can't. Unless you have been there, you just can't.
So let us honour these couples. Let's honour them during Miscarriage and Infant Loss awareness month. Where does support and healing come from, to get through this type of loss? Maybe half of the people in your life don’t even know what you have endured. Most won’t truly understand and others, well you don’t want to share such personal feeling with. So you smile through your pain, and pretend you are ok, because what choice do you have?
One day mamma, I want you to know we see your loss. We validate your feelings. You have the right to mourn your baby. It’s not just a ‘failed cycle’. It doesn't matter if science helped create that growing life. It was your baby and I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry you had to endure all of that and are left with empty arms.
Is it really so bad to let ourselves feel these hard emotions sometimes. Heck No!
Are we constantly being told not to? Yes!
Does it help to be contradicted emotionally by others and by ourselves? No! It makes it worse actually... So do you know what happens when we are constantly being told not to feel how we are feeling? We get anxiety and stress. Why? Because our heart is wanting to feel one way, but our mind keeps telling it to feel the opposite. So, they start a tug of war. This makes you feel like something is off. (Anxiety) And this tug of war makes you worry that these emotions are stronger than you. (Stress)
What would it feel like if when you felt ugly, weak and unworthy, you let yourself look deeper into that. Instead of pushing those feelings away...What if you listened, instead of denying. What if you realized they are only feelings and not the truth? What if we didn't have to feel these emotions with such shame?
We would start to actually give ourselves a small pep talk. We would naturally start to listen to our own voice.
Scenario:
Ugh I feel so fat and ugly today. I’m so tired and useless. My life is going nowhere. Look at everyone moving forward in life and here I am stuck. I'm tired of being strong. Why does it have to be so friggin hard?
This is what it truly sounds like, right?
Ok, but maybe you then say to yourself, I know this medication gives me major bloating and causes crazy mood swings. But I also know next week it will taper off. I also haven’t been to the gym this week so I’m going to get back into it because I know I feel so much better when I go twice a week. I’m tired because I haven’t been sleeping well, worried about my upcoming procedure. I know when I am tired I get super grouchy. I’ve been emotionally eating too and shutting down with hubby. Tonight I’m going to make something healthy and open up about how I’m feeling. I know he loves me and just wants to help... Me being closed off and bitchy to him is not going to help at all. We are in this together.
Infertility can feel like you are constantly living in the middle, between worlds. Worlds of staying, yet letting go. Worlds with people who love you, yet leave, Where you are strong, yet scared. Hopeful, yet crushed. Supported, yet alone. Deserving, yet doubtful. Grieving, yet numb. In the middle, is a hard place for the heart to wait. So to you, the sister still in the middle, I say thank you for you being here. For reading this. For taking a moment today to visit this space. A safe space, made just for you. Where no one leaves and no one forgets. Where we see the middle as the most courageous part of the story. 💓
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ⓒⓞⓝⓝⓔⓒⓣ + join our community! .
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What if I told you, you don’t need to anything more. That you are doing enough. That you have everything you need. Let yourself rest and JUST BE beautiful sister.
Love, Chiemi .
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info@missconceptioncoach.com
www.missconceptioncoach.com
INSPIRE + SUPPORT + CONNECT
We are also fertility wellness @bloomfertilitybodycare and our Bloom Babies @bumptobottles (trigger warning) .
#infertility #ttc #ttcsisters #pcos #ivf #miscarriage #pregnancy #hope #1in8 #endometriosis #hormones #pregnancyafterloss #rainbowbaby #1in4 #fertilitycoach #thefword #ttcsuport #grief #whatinfertilitylookslike #infertilitysupport #fertility #anxiety #beentheretoo
Some of the experiences couples go through while TTC, is beyond heartbreaking and tragic. Let's truly be sorry for their pain and loss. But, someone with infertility should not be felt sorry for. They are highly successful, happy, driven, healthy, passionate people. No one fighting a battle needs to ever feel pitied, only validated and dignified. Infertility is a huge part of someone’s life but it doesn’t define them. ❤️ Sometimes all the ‘I’m Sorry’s’ can feel just too heavy to carry...You aren’t a sad story, you are an incredibly courageous one!
When we feel like giving up, walking away or shutting down, it’s not because we have nothing left. It’s because we have too much left, but nowhere to put it. That place, our once safe place, has been taken away. Chipped away by doubt and fear.
So what do we do with the void of nowhere to put our too much?
We sometimes push those hard emotions down. We try not to feel them, but then we do, cause we have no choice. We try to move through them the best we can. What does that mean? It's a million tiny baby steps. Trust is made from these tiny steps of courage. Courage is made from these tiny steps of compassion. Compassion is made from fierce love. It is within this cycle of rebuilding and repair where we find this new hope and the strength to move into our new place and fill the void. It is within this cycle where we must find support and inspiration with each step. Where we get that support and inspiration matters. It really matters. What inspires us to have trust, courage, compassion and ultimately new hope? It is in those people and places and things, where we will survive. #whatinfertilitylookslike ❤️
“I want to thank you.
You, the YOU who just gets me.
You, who always takes the time to really hear me and lets me share without ever feeling like a bother.
The you who makes me feel like being ‘weird’ is actually normal.
Who hears the pain behind the words and who notices the silence.
You, the you who hugs a little tighter and for just a bit longer than you have to. You, who looks me in the eyes when I cry.
Willing to hold the pain in your own heart. You've never been scared of any of it. I've never been too much.
You, who is more excited for my highs than me.
You, who chooses to show up first for the ugly lows.
You truly are the one who brings out the real ME in me.
Even on the days I can’t see it, you remind me I'm still there.
You are rare and although I've always known how blessed I am to have you, today I need to tell you.
Today I need you to know, because you have saved me a million times, in a million ways. More than anything else, I want to thank you for reminding me, that all my beautiful, flawed, sometimes messy pieces are always worth it."
There is a space that exists in my heart, that has no name. Sometimes called sorrow, it is so much more than that. It's sacred, loving, protective and natural. It exists because we are not ready. We are not ready to let go or move on. So let us not be ready. Right now, we honor these intense, deep waves of emotions the only way our heart knows how, in a way only this space and time can. So please, don't tell us to rush out of this time. We can't rush out of letting go just yet. We can't leave the hopes and dreams and memories just yet. What happens when we start to let go just a little? We are scared that letting go, will mean saying goodbye. So this place that I exist in right now, that has no name, it's where I need to be. To honor this space with me, means you see where I am, and that my heart can trust you. I don't know how long I will be here, but today I am not leaving.
