We were at the ultrasound clinic for ‘fun’ having a look at the baby. (In Canada you only get a couple u/s via your Dr for dating the pregnancy and then for testing / measuring, but it’s not standard to have them often.) So we scheduled this one for fun and were so excited to see the baby again. I remember being relaxed because we were in our second tri honeymoon safe zone stage and my morning sickness was gone! I had more energy. We had told everyone and were on cloud 9. A few min into the u/s I saw the techs face. He wasn’t smiling and quickly became quiet. He wiped off the wand and stood up. In that exact second I knew in my gut something was very wrong. He just said, it a quiet voice, ‘you should check in with your Dr. The moments, days, weeks that followed moved in light speed, yet in slow motion -like I was out of my body. Friends called, came to visit and sent cards. A few weeks later a friend, who had also experienced a recent loss, sent me the stork pin. It meant so much to me and gave me such comfort. Someone had given the pin to her when she was pregnant. My own journey has come full circle, but I do know what it’s like to sit in the waiting room of the RE’s office and look around and wonder ‘what their story is’. To be scared of test results. Waiting for weeks on pins and needles. When 10 viles of blood seems normal after awhile. The dreaded statistics. To be given no answers, to feel like time is being wasted month after month… which turn into years. To make tough decisions. To run out of choices. To feel defeated and crushed. To get your hopes up and then feel like a fool for doing so. For cursing your body for not working properly. Waiting, watching, hoping for – signs, then googling signs. Then starting all over again.
To read my full story visit the blog tonight, which will also include a sign up for the Stork Pin exchange!! #beentheretoo
Love, Chiemi
Shared by a ttcsister: I got pregnant, the first time, after my first fresh embryos transfer, in April of 2014. We had already gone through 4 failed IUIs. I lost that baby at 5 weeks 3 days, on May 8th, 2014. My best friend was pregnant with her 2nd child, and I was so happy to be pregnant with her. I’ll never forget the day she told me she was pregnant. It was after all the failed IUIs, and while I was trying to get medical clearance for egg retrieval. I was working full time, as a manager at Staples. After the lose, we decided to take a few months off of procedures. With that, I started drinking. I was getting drunk, every single day, on my lunch break, at work. Applebee’s was right across the parking lot from my job. I was super reckless. I’m extremely ashamed to say, I drove home drunk from work, almost every day till I was set with a date from my frozen egg transfer. My kids, they literally saved my life, and those of the drivers that shared the road with me. The pregnancy saved my life. I hope they never know the sadness I felt, those 4 years I waited for them. I found out I was pregnant on August 29th, 2014. Exactly 9 days after our 2 embryo frozen transfer. I found out I was pregnant with twins, the same time my bff was in the operating room, having her C-section.
So if you are in your 10 steps back today, I suggest you try the three A's. Acknowledge, Action, Avoid:
Acknowledge that yes today the waves are hitting you pretty hard. Try not to ask why. Because most of the time you will try to blame yourself or someone else. Instead just acknowledge that this mood is here today. Then take Action. Do whatever you have to. Unfollow accounts that trigger you, temporarily block friends who's feeds upset you and make you feel like a bad person for feeling angry or jealous. Say no to any situation that will trigger emotions that make you spiral. Then Avoid. Decide you are't going to let these temporary emotions ruin the rest of your day or week ahead! Instead do anything and everything to distract your mind from heading into the zone of despair. Mind numbing distractions. Start a new Pinterest board for new recipes, vacation, or home projects that seem fun! Start a new Netflix binge show. Head out for dinner and drinks after work with a close girlfriend, that you haven't seen in awhile. Have a date night with your spouse just cause! Don't wait for the weekend. Go watch the new movie at the fancy VIP theater you've wanted to see. Go look for some new cute outfits, all the Summer sales are on now! Do some online shopping for your abode. New throw pillows or bedsheets. Because really new bed sheets and towels feel life changing. 😀Treat yourself to some new bath products that make you feel good! @bloomfertilitybodycare!
You don't have to feel bad for feeling bad. And you don't have to stay there. You are allowed to protect yourself from triggers, and do whatever you have to, to survive. It's ok to not welcome those hard emotions in. This is how you fight the hardest on your hardest days, and for that you should be proud. ❤️
She was constantly being bombarded by people and things that made her heart ache, fiercely angry and her soul question her own worth. Making her feel like she was the bad guy for feeling this way. That she was the one that should constantly rise above and do more, step up, be better, dig deeper, and stop feeling these emotions. THEN ONE DAY, SHE FINALLY SAID NO MORE.No more! No more! I will put myself first, because I’m putting my one day baby first. I will protect myself to stay happy + calm for myself and my baby. I refuse to carry the weight of infertility, and all that goes along with it, while making sure everyone else's needs are met. I refuse to take on that extra burden during this crucial time, when I am already sacrificing so much. Then, she took her first real deep breath in forever...
Suggestions like, “Just relax!” or “Don’t worry, it will happen. You are still young!” may seem innocent enough, but to someone who feels like they are barely keeping their head above the infertility waters, these seemingly “harmless” comments can often make them feel even more isolated and alone. So, for anyone who is struggling to be reassuring to someone they care about, here are some helpful phrases you can use. Remember, it’s not about fixing everything for the person you care about; usually, all you need to do is just remind them they are not fighting this battle on their own.
1. “I’m here.”
2. "You are not a bother. I love you, that's why I care.”
3. “You’re not alone. Even if sometimes it feels like it.”
4. “Your feelings are valid. You don't need to explain yourself or feel rushed out of them.”
5. “You’re allowed to feel angry, even if you don’t know why.”
6. “I might not understand what you’re going through, but I’m always here for you to talk to if you want to.”
7. “I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. You do it with immense grace and strength."
8. “Let me know if there’s something specific I can do to help.”
9. “It’s OK, to not be ok, right now.”
10. “You’re loved and cared for.”
Bonus: Here's a million dollars and a piece of cake.
Dear people with "get pregnant in 1 month' programs, diets, pills and well-intentioned, but unsolicited, advice: no we don’t have to be grateful for you telling us we are not trying hard enough to get pregnant. We don’t have to defend ourselves when we say thanks, but no thanks. We are not bitter or “hateful” people for not wanting to participate in your programs; we’ve just heard it enough. We are just tired of the constant sales pitch, the constant blaming and making us doubt our own medical team whom we put our lives in the hands of. You don't even know our history but think you can 'cure' us. I am not grateful for advice I did not ask for, nor am I grateful for advice that shifts the blame of infertility on me.
Does your sister complain about her morning sickness too often? Your best friend not include you in kids events. Mom offering too much advice? Your coworker announced her third unwanted pregnancy on Facebook. Sometimes we're so busy trying to protect ourselves from certain people, who sometime trigger us, that we forget that they are still the same peeps who were our childless best friends not too long ago.
Friends and family often want to support you, but they just don't know how. They are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or not saying the right thing. Don't wait for them to read your mind. Silence will add to more silence and ultimately isolation.
Sharing how you are feeling is a vulnerable place. But sometimes friends and family can't support you because you haven't given them a chance - you never told them or shared how you are truly feeling. Not every person is the right person to tell, so choose your person and open your heart up. Chances are, really close friends and family will be there for you and can be a great anchor of support if you trust them and let them in a bit.
You can try sending a quick update email to a few close family and friends and share some of your journey thus far. Even explaining why you aren't always around as much and what you will be dedicating your life to, the next while.
Promise me you will let family and friend support you...❤️
I knew I’d hit rock bottom during our second IVF cycle. We’d just miscarried our only embryos from our first cycle and jumped right back into it. I was dreading it the entire time, had no hope and felt no joy or excitement over it like I had before. The first cycle felt empowering, the second one was miserable. I sobbed during every shot and every appt, then completely broke down after retrieval when I got OHSS for the second time. All I could think was, “We shouldn’t be doing this. I should be 19 weeks pregnant right now.” I hated myself. I hated my body for constantly failing us and I was exhausted from trying to hide how broken I really was. It was the darkest place I’ve ever been to and it took a lot to pull myself out of it.
I’m glad we did, but I wish we had waited to allow ourselves time to heal. It’s just hard to wait when you’ve already been waiting for so long.
‘By encouraging #ttcsisters to speak about how they are feeling, even if those feelings are jealousy, anger, fear, shame or sadness. I want to help them understand that it’s ok to feel these things and not to feel guilty! To acknowledge it is totally ok. It’s normal to process these feelings- they don’t make you a bad person. You can own them and know that your rock bottom moments can be inspiring and powerful! They can inspire other women who might feel embarrassed about feeling them too and reassure them that is 100% normal. Sharing these hard feelings only prove the incredible amount of courage and strength inside someone fighting infertility.’ Thank you Liz, for chatting all things #infertility with me over at the @infertility_out_loud site! I just love the work that Liz does with women and the inspiring Blog features she shares with our community! Link to the interview in my Insta Story! SWIPE & check it out. ❤️❤️
When life gives you 🍋, you don’t have to eat them!
Fertility care tip: Unfollow any account that triggers you or adds anxiety or stress to your life. You don’t have to be an emotional martyr. It doesn’t make you stronger to put others emotional needs before yours. Anyone who loves you will understand and respect your path right now. You can be a good daughter, sister, wife, friend and still protect and take care of yourself. You must. And you will...❤️ .
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*** this weeks mantra ***
I will protect my heart, it needs extra understanding.
I will protect my gentle soul and protect my emotions.
I am entitled to this time because it holds the same weight and warrants respect and understanding.
I’m doing this for my soon to be baby.
It is not selfish, it is out of love.
It is out of necessity for my health and welfare.
Just 📲 Friends: .
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I am made up of every person, who I have NEVER met, but who has loved me and supported me daily.
I am made up of your stories. The ones you share with such vulnerability and courage. We are 'just online friends', who stitch one another back together again and mend hearts.
I am made up of your hope and strength to keep fighting along side you. If YOU can, I can, right?
I am made up of saying goodbye to you, my other sister, the one who can't go on or who's journey has lead to a new fork in the road. I understand it's too hard for you to stay with us.
We cry some days, we laugh some days. We keep each other sane. There is no pretense here.
There is no room for anything, but raw, real and honest.
We wear our emotions on our sleeves with no apologies or shame.
It's intense, in the best and worst way possible.
We are ‘just online friends’ but without you, I wouldn't be me. I want to say Thank You! Thank you for being here with me, in this online friendship. We got this..❤️
Thank you @sbthomas_health for sharing your rock bottom moment with us. .
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I had 3 miscarriages in a year, was constantly told it was bad luck. So I took a year not actively trying. We did everything we were told to do from our RE, we had several Clomid failed cycles. But STILL I continued to do everything I was told, even went on an elaborate vacation to “relax”, lost 50lbs, and started seeing a good therapist. All the stars aligned with the next cycle. It was perfect. We got pregnant that cycle, but when we went in for an ultrasound it was my nightmare all over again, a 4th miscarriage. We had the chromosomes tested and my RE met with us to discuss the results. He went over everything. I was composed and took notes on starting IVF with chromosomal screening.
Then I asked if the baby was a boy or girl. He said, “Boy” and I lost the ability to control my emotions. It was like the last 3 years had come to this moment of just accepting I would never be a recognized mother. I started sobbing so much that two nurses came into hug me because the whole office heard my cries. I just didn’t know how I could even try again. My RE grabbed my hand and said, “If you’re willing to fight with me, we will get a baby in your arms.” He didn’t give up and tried everything for me.
#beentheretoo
Would we question a parent of a new born baby why they are putting the baby first?? #infertility is really the hardest, first step on the road to parenthood.
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Never apologize for this fight! Don’t be sorry for having to fight Infertility. Never apologize for putting your dream of a baby ahead of anything else right now. Never apologize for taking care of yourself and your health. Never apologize for not being there for other people as you grieve or heal and do everything it takes. Just because they might not understand or agree doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to this time. Never apologize for protecting yourself from triggers, even if that means people you love. Unfollow, and don’t go. Never apologize for not sharing emotionally with everyone. A. Not everyone deserves that part of you. B. Not everyone wants to authentically help or understand, they will just be curious. There’s a difference. Don’t apologize for how you choose to survive. It’s not a deficiency or weakness on your part and you owe no one an explanation.
Please protect your heart, it needs extra understanding, protect your gentle soul and protect your emotions. You are entitled to this time because it holds the same weight and warrants the same respect and understanding.
Allow for days that only nourish you, that solely pamper and recharge you. You don’t have to be there for everyone else and give yourself the scraps that are left over at the end of the day. It’s ok to be tired and allow yourself rest. Don’t apologize or feel guilty for pampering yourself. You’ve gone through hell, you deserve it. You will find that by letting go of any guilt, any comparison to others, and allowing for the self-care to be a part of your daily life choices, that it will give you an inner peace and strength that you’ve never felt before!
❤️
